wrong

 

 

 

            all of this intrigue
            all of this writing
            all of this staying up late

            is me trying to get
                      ground under my feet
            I am still trying to get
                      ground under my feet
            ‘haven’t accepted
                      groundlessness

            I still try to find
                      the lonesome stance
            where I can say
                      I am OK
            you can all go ahead
                      and dance your silly dance
                      and play your silly games
            but I will stand here sufficient
                      and not join in
            everything may be pointless
                      but it is not pointless for me
                      I super-heroically find
                                my own point
                                build my own meaning
                                              ahhh, a peaceful sleep

                      dammit
            ‘blown it all
            I just had to go and
                      need the world
                      to recognise my meaning
                      my creations
            from the same world in which
                      I could see no point
                                stood aside from and
                      – no surprise here then –
            they didn’t get it

            they don’t get it
            don’t need it
            haven’t looked at it
            moved on
            bigger picture
            things change
            la-la

            vulnerable
                      and smarting
            I go away and build
            a machine big enough
                      to fill a room
            I’ll show them I’ll
                      show them
            they’ll see I was right
            I’ll stay up all night
            my hair will fall out
            my eyes will bulge bright
            a-ha ha ha ha

            so much of my drive
                      reaching
                      pyramidal
            is only the hub
                      to gather myself
                      to conduct my world

            why oh why don’t I
                      sit still right there
                      in the centre where
                      there is
                      no ground?

            but then when I advise myself
                      ‘lose the drive’
            I feel lost and despondent
            I have relinquished all I thought
            I was and all I was trying
            to achieve

            but if I read the books
                      properly
            I don’t give up the drive
            I aware –
                      I transitively am –
            any one particular moment
                      and let any drive
                      pass
            because I haven’t followed it
            because I haven’t believed in it
                      as the solution
                      to pointlessness

            a hundred times
            then another hundred times
            then a thousand times subconsciously
            then a million times unconsciously

            but to do this even once
            I need to hit the cushion
            a hundred times
            a thousand times
            a million times

            and have the patience
            of staying with
            the complete and utter lack
            of getting somewhere

            the edginess
                      the almost-nausea
            of not doing anything
            that will be furthering
                      my campaign
            of achieving and expressing
                      significance

            that very anxiety mirrored
                      in just sitting
                      doing nothing
            that has impelled me to become
                      overly ambitious
                      overly independent
                      overly judgemental

            and instead of running away
                      from it
                                and proving it wrong
                                I stay
            with it accept it see through
            it become it befriend it and not let it
            become the pole around which
            the markredford universe
                      revolves

            after I have got through
                      ‘I shall sit in perfect posture
                      and have stable concentration’
            and all the little excitement
                      and tragedy that evinces
            then
                      there is the pointlessness
                      naked and clammy and
                      right in my face

            let it pass
                                              it won’t go
            let it remain
                                I can’t keep hold of it
            let it go
                                              arghh
                      just sit
                      still
                      and stop
                      fidgeting

 

 

 

pointlessness wormhole: rising up
meaning wormhole: scatter