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I hesitate before publishing stuff like this – it looks like I’m whining for sympathy – I am not; but if writing cannot be candid – warts and all – it is already damned, so I will publish AND be damned

 

 

 

                                my lives
                                of others

                                how long has this been going on
                how long this has been going on

demands in their eyes pulling me to them like a planet
                pulling on me to contain them
                                pulling deep in me through the latest orbit

                                I give because I can
                learnt silently in the decades
                                I have lived to allow
                yet ever wider in order to include
                                              to neutralise my gravity in order to listen
                                and let them breathe enough
                                              to find their own solution
                decades of leaning a hundred ways
                                                              to be with others
                                decades of privately finding ways
                to rebuild my own gravity
                                                              shiny marbles with petrified ink
                                              then having to let them go
                                tearfully each time
                                                              eventually

                                              all under the great broad horizon
                                lost before the hills on the great broad horizon
                the beautiful twilight-mauve desert
                                and the radiation presence of the close planet
                they cannot do the same for me
                                they will not do the same for me:

                                the stalls and foreclosures are my own making
                my audience extends only as far to conclude
                                that it is all about my awkwardness
                                                              all I have to do is fit in
                                              before I have even finished explaining
                usually I don’t bother to finish
                                or even start
                                              the solution is ready-made
                                                              with a few ‘hmm’s to make it look kindly
                or it is kept to themself
                                echoing loudly in their brains through their eyes

                                              like sharing secrets with the fog
                                                              I find myself alone
                each of them was the last person I could turn to in the world
                                but they all agree with each other
                                              they are the Company Man

                                I have done my bit for the family
                                I have done my bit for the team
                                I have done my bit for the community
                                                                      all by not being there
                                              all by not getting in the way
                I cried when I was acknowledged once
                                                                      it never happened again

                                it’s just
                                              they need to keep from shattering in a thousand pieces
                they need to hold the whole damn thing together
so I give because I can
                                              because it is right
                                                                      but I cannot expect the return
                                                              they cannot give
                                what they expect in return
                for sure things are done
                                              things may be organised
                                                                      sometimes even when I want them
                                              but they are done for some greater good
                for the greater good of a career
                                                              for the greater good of legacy
                                              not mine
                                certainly not mine
                                                              (‘America I have given you all
                                                                      and now I am nothing’)
                                              when I work it is all about them
                when I stop it is all about how they performed
                                all that I do and don’t do
                                              is how it sits as support or burden
                                                              to them
                                conclusion: it is only them who do the work
                                              the thinking the organising
                                                                      I seem to do nothing really
                and do it annoyingly and awkwardly and thinkingly – roll eyes exasperation
                                I have to be managed to be of any competence
                                                              that’s meant affectionately
I am just the recipient of their good work
                                                              what do they call them these days – ‘clients’
                                              my value my contribution what I am
                                                                                 are the price I pay to receive

                so I don’t say anything – what’s the point?
                                I’ll put a few things out
                                              tentatively
                                but I would be patronised at best     if I’m lucky
                                                                                 if the planets are lined up right
                                                              told it’s cute
                or individual
                                              or much too clever to understand
                                                                      or it’s not what was needed
                                              or sorry, Mark, did you say something
                                                              and the audience will move swiftly on
                                to what it wanted to talk about anyway
                                                              or what it wanted to be doing all along
I mostly keep it to myself

                here
                                                                      in the place I claim each day
                                              time to myself bittersweet
                                                                                 at siege from service and compliance
                                to ‘indulge’ myself ‘stay up too late’ ‘contemplate my navel’
                                                              otherwise I get ‘grumpy’
                                              I talk to myself
                                                                      I am not the Company Man
                                                              no one
                                                              to share
                                                              me with
                no one interested beyond the managed
                                obliged
                                              corporate return
                                oh yes I return to myself
                                                              find my own meaning purpose audience love
                                                              safe in the fifty year relationship
                                              which is good for only one

                                the weekends holidays and days off get whittled away
                                                              here and there
                                                                      chips and shavings on the floor
                                              leaving a petrified face
                eyes wide mouth open
                                                              a bas-relief out from being

 

 

 

————w(O)rmholes________________________________|—–

acceptance wormhole: Big Mind
(hidden) Allen Ginsberg & life wormhole: guileless naïveté – / a biographical / manifest -oh!
being & breathing wormhole: honest
career wormhole: sit. / In. / g …
eyes wormhole: awayday / update
horizon wormhole: poessay IV
fog wormhole: my struggle
lifetimes & mauve wormhole: the spectre
society wormhole: 20th century
teaching wormhole: there is
work wormhole: song