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this was written to encourage myself to keep going on my return to work ater my third breakdown from school; I am currently a month into my fourth breakdown




                                                          here is a
                                     whiney accumulation of

                           I cannot unwind to sleep
                because I cannot put down
                           that they didn’t listen
                because I cannot understand
                           that they didn’t listen
                because I wholly expected
                           that they would listen
                because it was so well constructed
                           that they should listen
                because I believed the slogans that fronted them
                           but I am going to bed thinking
                I am fortified by meditation
                           meditation will protect me
                from all harm like a super power
                           … still trying to protect myself from it all

                ‘lean into it,’ says Pema Chödrön
                           ‘… a little more’ well, they didn’t respond
                didn’t listen didn’t bother didn’t study
                           didn’t believe in didn’t invest in
                my thought and my work     mine …
                           nope, still sketching an operatic tragedy,
                it hurts indignant why won’t they listen
                           it makes no sense nothing makes sense

                it is deep redpink with yellow streaks
                           almost gleaming atop
                it has solidified bar-like and is stuck
                           uneven transverse lodged
                in my oesophagus in my speech
                           it has solidified out of
                the pink tissue of my oesophagus
                           I do not know what to say
                I cannot speak I cannot make myself heard
                           I cannot convince I cannot inspire


                                     ~ “0” ~

                I couldn’t just
                stay with that damn it
                I try to get others to see
                I just had to get others to see it
                to show it to teach it to point to it

                                     am sorry

                had to have the point

                couldn’t face the point
                that it was mine to be
                but not myne to have

                                     ~ “0” ~

                just let the poems be
                just use the markbook
                and the AfL as it is
                don’t create them
                anymore clever
                but monstrous
                with their hubris

                and don’t try to get
                Ground under my self
                anymore just smile
                at the eight year old
                trying to make good

                                     ~ “0” ~

                it’s alright mark
                things happen like this all the time
                for their own reasons
                from their own drives
                wide and distant
                but all tangled

                you just stay
                where you are
                and watch it all
                wide distant and kaleidoscopic

                let the bar
                relax back
                into your throat

                you don’t have to find a point
                you don’t have to make a Mark
                you just have to mark

                it all





acceptance & thinking wormhole: practice:
being & identity wormhole: sit    stay    heal
doing wormhole: radiator
Pema Chödrön wormhole: when things fall apart
speech wormhole: obituary
talking to myself wormhole: emerging
teaching wormhole: renounce
voices wormhole: meditation session