Tags
2013, 5*, being, breakdown, breathing, ghosts, growth, identity, managerialism, powerlessness, school, teaching
anxious about returning
to air that I cannot inhale
nervous about exhaling any
more where it is still fetid
fearful that I’ll be rendered
a ghost again a nightmare
in which I won’t be able to
remember my own breath
… some of you may be aware that I have been off work for the past four months, working my way defeated and flick-eyed through what is turning out to be my fourth breakdown from the school I work in; through all sorts of pulling myself up by my own collars and all sorts of looking deep into my own stare in the mirror, I am moving towards returning, still empty of confidence but with a much deeper understanding of what I am not; let’s see if the leviathan has changed or moved, shall we …?
————w(O)rmholes________________________________|—–
being & identity wormhole: anatta
breakdown wormhole: dream 100213
breathing wormhole: how ironic
ghosts wormhole: truly invisible
managerialism wormhole: “I / am Spartacus”
school wormhole: ‘stomping home from school …’
teaching wormhole: returning home
mlewisredford 
A mortal coil indeed…wrap yourself in it..that is the way to truth.
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thank you; you are right
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Grim but well crafted poem. Go well!
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thank you
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the fear of living, of being misunderstood, of becoming something you are not, of becoming something you are. it’s been happening to me this year as well, and it’s been very difficult, but you’ve kept blogging, while I’ve been thinking and writing in solitude, rarely posting, rarely reading other blogs. hope, you’ve moved past this or at least accepted it, swallowed it and used it to feed you, rather than allowed it to suck the energy from you
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aha, we form a society of two (how many millions of others would be eligible to join our society?). It is so difficult to keep one’s integrity of view and worth when THE WHOLE REST OF THE WORLD is telling you that you’ve got it wrong … at least in writing you retain the sound of your own voice, and in blogging you can snag the odd sympathetic (lit) ear even if you never make the ‘freshly pressed’ level of recognition; I publish a lot of my ‘angst’ months or years after I’ve written it – well after the mastication has been finished and I have used the nutrients I will get from it – it’s quite cathartic getting it out there even if people think you’re a bit precious … I’ve done my digesting of it already;
thanks for the engagement
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yes, it is very frustrating when you’re one against the whole or even one against one, and there’s not even an option of winning, of staying ahead, and you seem to be floating in some dark corner or a well-lit one, which is even worse. I’ll be publishing these kinds of pieces as well, but after I let them go. the precious, the flowery; all included, saying that they are my own, owning them with all the faults.
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I will sit … in my chair
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