my uncomfortable life

Tags

2019, 6*, abandonment, activity, anger, Bodhisattvacharyavatara, breakdown, broken, career, closed, compromise, contentment, context, Dad, disappointment, expectation, experience, eyes, feeling sorry for myself, frustration, greed, hope, injustice, laziness, life, management, no voice, people, politicians, powerlessness, Principal, requirement, resentment, self-cherishing, self-confidence, self-doubt, self-esteem, slogans, society, spin, teaching, thought, Tony Blair, turmoil, waiting, words, work

                I did not know contentment
                at work, what was required,
                what I thought, I never wholly
                got my teaching … sorted

                turmoil, and even when not
                outwardly angry, I was
                closed off and unapproachable,
                carrying anger and resentment

                like a thorny bush tied
                to my back since Dad left
                and people were ‘phony’ and
                society was stupid and words

                were insincere and all activity
                was a compromise and my equals cheated
                and laziness was always greedy
                and hope was rude and the politicians

                were tricksters and Tony Bliar
                and managers slogan-shifted like there was no tomorrow
                and the Principals
                wouldn’t know what to do with good practice if it writhed around suggestively on their desk in front of them and made them delicious promises of future dangerous liaison                      

                and by default I am
                at least disappointed, usually frustrated
                and often impotent-angry with them
                when they invariably reference me

                (and they always reference me)
                or when I am actually wronged,
                and then I’ll blow, beyond all immediate context
                because I have already been smouldering,

                waiting for the wrong to happen,
                expecting the wrong to happen,
                experiencing the wrong happening
                even before it has manifested;

                and I am right, it is wrong
                and compromised and greedy and unprincipled
                what they have done, even
                when they haven’t

                given expression to it, in fact
                especially when they haven’t
                given full expression to it
                and are sloganising and spinning

                that what is happening
                is entirely something else;
                and the powerlessness of
                not being able to have a voice

                no appeal to a universal
                right and wrong … built me up
                with no recourse and, I get broken;
                look at my tired eyes – my uncomfortable life

 

Bodhisattvacharyavatara VI, 3: A mind which walks with, which harbours, which is in the grip of, which is poisoned with anger and hate can neither establish nor enjoy any state of calm or peace, any sense of well-being or equipoise, any contentment, any resolution, neither can it feel any joy or delight, any sense of kindliness or love, nor can it sleep or rest, when the shard of aversion and hate is stuck and buried deep in one’s heart; but … I have retired now, I, am coming through

 

 

^{————w}(O)rmholes_________________________________|—–

abandonment wormhole: south horizon
breakdown wormhole: green and / luminant / to behold
career wormhole: it’s / not what you do or what you say / if it ain’t got that swing
compromise wormhole: raised brow
Dad wormhole: the reach turned to love
eyes wormhole: The Atlantic City Convention: 1. THE WAITRESS by William Carlos Williams
life & society wormhole: the old man;
management wormhole: how to teach
people wormhole: Puerto del Carmen
teaching wormhole: and … // … sound
thought wormhole: so, how long is, a piece of string?
waiting wormhole: all // are // none
words wormhole: SPRING AND ALL VI by William Carlos Williams
work wormhole: Vue de Pontoise, 1873

 

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Bodhisattvacharayvatara: Chapter VI, Patience – verses 104-105; reflectionary

Bodhisattvacharayvatara by Acharya Śāntideva

Chapter VI– verses 104-105

Transglomeration: [104] Generally, if something doesn’t happen because something else isn’t there, and does happen when it is, then, really, that other thing would be the cause of it, like the enemy, of patience.   How could it be thought an obstacle?   [105] For, whenever you encounter someone in need, they are not a hindrance to your act of giving, whatever it may be; any more than a preceptor could be considered an obstacle to taking vows.

~~~ “BCA” ~~~

V. 102-103 training the mind to use adversity to practise patience
↑ Stitch ↓
V. 104-105 the indispensability of adversity for practising patience: affirmation of cause and conditionality

Reflection: [104] a bit of straight logical reasoning, here (if, with ‘a’, ‘b’; and without ‘a’, no ‘b’; then ‘a’ is the cause of ‘b’), to establish that you can’t have one thing without another/you can’t practise patience without an adversary (no smoke without fire): that, that which challenges me is the principle cause of my patience, not an obstacle; (de la Valle Poussin, (translated (by me))), ‘don’t call something an “obstacle” which is really a “cause”’; this is, yet again, re-establishing (for the angry mind which is mired up in asserting and defending its ‘self’ and angrily fighting with the world which rarely seems to agree with it and make it right) that everything is a dependent origination (if ‘a’, then ‘b’ etc.), how everything is just a flux and flow of causes and effects, countless rivulets of it flowing under, over, through and around all the others, that’s just how it is; and that clinging to a ‘self’ (‘me, me, me’) amid it all, snags and snarls it all up like a stick jammed into a stream: weeds and plastic bags will accumulate around it, stuff will rot about it because it cannot change direction and get free, the stick will eventually rot and break and float downstream until it snags onto something else that gets in the way, adding to something else’s rot, or just generally polluting the water; anger thrives on NOT recognising cause and effect and acting and existing despite it, this verse is calmly and logically re-establishing it for us so that maybe we’ll listen this time …

Reflection: [105] the reference to what is variously translated as ‘beggar’, in Sanskrit is ‘one in need’ – it’s not referring just to, say, homeless people on the streets, but to anyone, rich or poor, who is in need of something (i.e. one can give in various different ways, even though the original reference, certainly as translated into Tibetan only a few centuries after Śāntideva, was to ‘alms-giving’); the reference to what is variously translated as ‘bestower of vows’, in Sanskrit is ‘mendicant’ and in Tibetan is ‘higher/superior’ – it’s not referring to a specific job or rank, but to anyone who is in a position of being able to offer (any) vow; anyway, the points here are as illustrations of ‘something without which another thing doesn’t happen’ … patience doesn’t happen without an enemy/attacker/critic/rival The Nectar of Mañjushrī’s Speech, Kunzang Palden, (tr. Padmakara): ‘It is the absence of the enemy that prevents patience from appearing’ … is a teacher an impediment to being taught, is a lover an impediment to being in love; does a father stop one from being a child, is an employer an obstacle to employment, (can you sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to someone whose birthday it isn’t) … the answer to these rhetorical questions is obviously ‘no’, and the affirming of ‘no’ (they are not impediments, they don’t stop things happening) is an affirmation of the very cause and conditionality that anger is blind to accept: this is how the Perfection of Patience is a Method Path, the ‘Method’ being to establish cause and conditionality clearly and lucidly within life and living, until united with the Wisdom Path that realises the emptiness of cause and conditionality but is able to see both exist without contradiction within life and living

Practice: so, how do we ‘take our stick out’, how do we stop snarling things up, how do we get out of this: we reverse the cause and effect, we see where we’re ‘jammed in’, we see when and where we are made angry, we ascertain who has made us angry and how we have been made angry, we simply acknowledge when- and where- and how-ever we are snagged and who-ever has snagged us, and then let go of perpetuating the snag, let the snag be, realise how we have ended up snagged, don’t retaliate to the snag and even see how others might also be snagged here with you – I’m sorry – and let the snag work free by itself, don’t let it tangle by struggling and, there you go, you’ve let go of that little bit of self-cherishing and let the stream run that little bit freer and cleanly

Bodhisattvacharayvatara: Chapter VI, Patience – verses 102-103; reflectionary

Bodhisattvacharayvatara by Acharya Śāntideva

Chapter VI– verses 102-103

Transglomeration: [102] But what about when they get in the way of my practising good works?   Still, even then, holding anger and resentment against them just doesn’t make sense: there is no other trial or austerity greater than being patient, so surely, then, this is the occasion, so conveniently presented to me by my enemies, when I should take it – live in it – and start being patient.   [103] So, if, through my own shortcomings, fail to hold my nerve practising patience here, then it is only me, it would seem, creating the obstacles and wasting the opportunities when occasions for virtue have come my way, and I don’t practise the virtue of abiding in patience.

~~~ “BCA” ~~~

V. 98-101 in fact, calumny can actually benefit us
↑ Stitch ↓
V. 102-103 training the mind to use adversity to practise patience

Reflection: [102] twist: the objection (in Tibetan) is that the adversary stops me from practising virtue (by attacking or undermining my reputation/self-image of being virtuous etc. etc.) as if an adversary has control over one’s commission of virtue; the answer (to oneself) twists it by stating that one does have control over the practice of virtues oneself, adversity does not prohibit virtue but provides the opportunity to practise the most austere virtue, patience; this (verse, chapter … whole text) is exploring the self-centered tendency to blame adversity (to one’s self) as ‘out there’ on the ‘enemy’ (… ‘society’, ‘life’, an inevitable and inexorable tendency from thinking ‘self’ in the first place), to then thinking of ‘not self’, the inevitable concomitant – taking hold of one end of a stick is that you necessarily don’t have hold of the other – and so when it is not going well for the self, it can’t be the self’s fault (who’d want to wish unhappiness on oneself?), it must be ‘not-my-self’’s fault (what else could it be … anything which is not myself, let’s see, what’s around … ah, this’ll do); the ‘twist’ is that the thinking-of-the-self in the first place is mistaken, and any thought that the mistakenly-thought self thinks, is going to be de facto wrong, it will always and inevitably blame ‘outwards’ (of itself), when the actual cause of the difficulty is holding the mistaken conception of self at all; any twists in Śāntideva’s commentary on practising the Bodhisattva Way is going to be premised on this fundamental misapprehension of an intrinsically existing self in contradiction to anything which is not-self: this is both how and why Bodhichitta is so powerful, because it is the ‘twist’ which releases the whole faulty view of existence from the root … Bodhichitta is having the awakening perspective (i.e. awakening from the view of ‘self’) rather than the ‘self’-being (de-limiting and adversarial with the life, the universe and everything, on so many levels) until one is Awakening (a Buddha) and doesn’t have to hold that perspective any more, but lives it, selflessly … and this is also why, at the beginning of chapter 9 (on the emptiness of the self) the first verse says that ‘all this’ – all the practices of enlightening living, the ways of the Bodhisattva – make sense only when practised in mind of the absence of  holding onto the ‘self’: wisdom; at which time the practices of the Bodhisattva become Perfections; oh this all holds together like a life-universal knot …

Reflection: [103] if I don’t seize this opportunity – any opportunities kindly presented to me – I have only myself to blame; Geshe Yeshe Tobden, “The enemy is not the impediment to our practice of patience, but rather the cause” Pema Chodron: “we can see them as enhancements” Geshe Yeshe Tobden: “all beings, even those appearing to be people who cause us trouble, are kind to us and we must therefore abandon the mind that feels distant from enemies and close to friends and realise equanimity”; patience isn’t gritting your teeth thinking ‘must not get angry, must not get angry’ with sweat running off the forehead and eyes piercing the enemy dancing all around to beguile us: it is being easy, it is not getting riled, it is holding that there is no ‘self’-here to protect and defend, at all; the ‘enemy’: the annoying person, the critic, the fault-finder, the person who is disappointed in what you’ve done or said, the contradictor, the under-miner, the ‘why didn’t you’-er, the scoffer, the haughty one, the one who ignores or overlooks you, the one who talks around you, the one who makes you not the main point, these, clouds of them, each giving me the chance to hold back from reinforcing my precious (in the bad sense) little ‘self’ counter-weight to the whole world

Practice: how many times will I fail today – let’s be honest; but, then, how about time I will hold back and just pause, and then the time I won’t even get snagged and I can give a little smile, and then the time there won’t even be a flinch because I can see just how upset this adversary before me is, and then the lifetime I spend wandering around wondering why nobody gets bothered-enough to provoke me anymore, and missing the opportunity to get put in a position of ‘fight or flight’ again because I’m sure I’ve still got some irritation round here to sort out, somewhere, now where did I put it …

Bodhisattvacharayvatara: Chapter VI, Patience – verses 98-101; reflectionary

Bodhisattvacharayvatara by Acharya Śāntideva

Chapter VI– verses 98-101

Transglomeration: [98] Anyway, receiving praise and recognition and such make me complacent, they disrupt my equanimity, and then undermine any fear and weariness I have with cyclic existence and any sense of urgency to escape it, they engender jealousy towards those who have developed good qualities, ending up with anger and rivalry towards them so that all that has been built up and achieved has been defiled and wasted.   [99] Therefore can it not be said that those same people who are so closely involved in undoing my reputation and cutting me down to size and such, are really rendering me the service of holding me back from falling into lower rebirth and hell?   [100] These ties of getting and status I do not need and are unfitting for me who strives for Liberation.   How is it that I would be angry with those very persons who accordingly liberate me from those same ties?   In what way are they my enemies?   [101] And, how is it that I can be angry with those who cause me pain, who have become, as if blessings from the Buddha, a closed door, preventing me from entry as I stumble headlong and blindly to enter a world of overwhelming suffering?   In what way are they my enemies?

~~~ “BCA” ~~~

V. 94-97 enjoying praise of oneself is just vanity and futile
↑ Stitch ↓
V. 98-101 in fact, calumny can actually benefit us

Reflection: [98] praise destroys a. my own sense of equanimity (I am no longer balanced, cool, impartial) and therefore my Renunciation is weakened, I am no longer indifferent to my reputation (and all of the rest of the eight worldly dharmas, come to that), and b. creates (the anger of) jealousy and agitation towards others, a. and b. combined, thereby, ruining my virtue and ruining whatever situation I find myself in, for that matter, both for me and others.

Reflection: [99] therefore are not those who destroy (undermine, expose) my praise (‘bruise’ it), my calumniators, ‘rendering me the service’ (stopping my wilful and blind inclination to fall in so many ways) of being my protective guardians by so criticising and undermining me; personal reflection: if I had been listened to at school and recognised for the understanding I had about teaching and learning, I would have taken that as the rightful acknowledgement of my qualities of superior understanding, understanding beyond the norm; how would this not have inflated me and then destroyed me; I know I have an easy proclivity to arrogance and dismissal of others’ qualities, contributions and achievements anyway – if I were also to have been recognised as something significant and important, I would have travelled far down a wrong road and probably committed all sorts of ‘burnt bridges’ and made it yet more difficult to find my way back again; those at school who just didn’t get what I had to offer, whether it was ignorant or wilful, in effect saved me from that wrong turn: they didn’t intend that, but their treatment saved me from going down that route; it was nevertheless painful for me to experience, but they are not the enemy, they saved me from consequences that would have been even more intractable and unbearable; get out of your bunker, Mark

Reflection: [100] calumny (Crosby & Skilton, ‘the shackle of acquisition and honour’) saves one from deviation (into pride, vanity and accumulations) from the goal of Liberation (Padmakara, ‘I must not be caught by wealth and honours’): (didn’t my preoccupation with recognition at school just muddy any of the real benefit I might have achieved there?)

Reflection: [101] harm directed at me buoys me towards the state of Liberation like a closed door (to hell); because, otherwise, I am wilfully heading straight for the open door to ruination: I am greedy, angry, arrogant without any effort on my part at all, and along comes someone who pushes my buttons without any effort on their part at all and, if I take the opportunity, I could hold myself back from the fall, hold myself back from the fall; the reference to ‘doors’ (either doors blocked as entry into bad rebirths, or doors which lead away from entrance to bad rebirths) can only be understood when understanding the consequences of karma in a (better or bad) rebirth as a ‘place’ (maybe a ‘house’ as (only a few) translations have it), an ‘abode’, and envisioning the entrance to it as a doorway, a portal, an opening: those people who act against us are like people standing in the way of those doorways and preventing us from entering through them when we seem to intent on charging headlong through them …

 

the blessings of the Buddhas

arrrrhh … – schtinnk –
whmmp, wh’ whattayoudoing!
look, you bloodied my nose, I

think it’s broken; why did you
stop me; “you snivelling, little
squit; not even looking where

you lash your forkèd tongue
or blink your sclerotic I; get-
outtahere, can’t you read, go

away and learn to read, or
I’ll kick your arse again and
show you what this pike can

really do; that other door; there” – dink –

A Flash of Lightning in the Dark of Night, HH Dalai Lama, (tr. Padmakara): [98] “Praise, if you think about it, is actually a distraction.   For example, in the beginning one may be a simple, humble Monk, content with little.   Later on, people say flattering things like, ‘he’s a Lama,’ and one begins to feel a bit more proud and to become self-conscious about how one looks and behaves.   Then the eight worldly preoccupations become stronger, do they not?   Praise is a distraction and destroys Renunciation.   Again, at first when we have little, we do not have much reason for a sense of competition with others.   But later, when the ‘humble Monk starts to grow some hair’, he becomes conceited and as he becomes more influential, he vies with others for important positions.   We feel jealous of anyone who has good qualities, and this in the end destroys whatever good qualities we ourselves have.   Being praised is not really a good thing, and it can be the source of negative actions.”   Reflection: {mimicking the ‘Flash of Lightning in the Dark of Night’ quote}: For example, in the beginning one may be a simple, humble teacher, simply teaching.   Later on, people say flattering things like, ‘he’s talented, he’s influential, he should be a head of department, don’t hide your light under a bushel,’ and one begins to feel a bit more proud and to become self-conscious about how one looks and behaves.   Then the eight worldly preoccupations become stronger.   Again, at first when we have little experience and few skills, we do not have much reason for a sense of competition with others.   But later, when the ‘humble teacher starts to wear a tie’, he becomes conceited and as he becomes more influential, he vies with others for important positions.   He feels resentful of others who he sees as having compromised to get their positions, and this in the end destroys whatever good qualities he has.

Bodhisattvacharayvatara: Chapter VI, Patience – verses 94-97; reflectionary

Bodhisattvacharayvatara by Acharya Śāntideva

Chapter VI– verses 94-97

Transglomeration: [94] [Moreover], since these words – these puffs of noise – are not themselves sentient, they can have no intention of complimenting or flattering me.   But then, when praises are uttered and shared, whether of me or others, it makes people happy, so me being praised is a source of happiness for others.   [95] But, then, whether it is directed at me or toward someone else, why, in either case, would I feel any benefit or use from the happiness of those who bestow it?   That happiness is theirs alone, entirely in their own minds.   I certainly don’t get even the slightest part of it.   [96] [But shouldn’t I be rejoicing in others’ happiness when praising me?].   And yet, if I do find delight in others happiness (in me), then surely I should feel the same about all others in all cases of rejoicing?   And if this were so, then how is it that I am irritated and resentful when others find something to admire in someone else?   [97] And so, really, that happiness I feel when hearing of my praise, is just the vanity of self-satisfaction, it remains bonded in self-centeredness, it is somewhat unacceptable [for someone who has taken the Vow], and is really nothing more than the behaviour of a child.

~~~ “BCA” ~~~

V. 90-93 yearning for respect, honour and fame is self-defeating
↑ Stitch ↓
V. 94-97 enjoying praise of oneself is just vanity and futile

Reflection: [94] words of praise themselves cannot benefit me – they are just sounds, puffs of noise, [de la Vallee Poussin], ‘praise is nothing but a whistle of air’; but what about the joy that others have in praising me?

Reflection: [95] it is others’ joy alone, it is of no benefit to me; Tuffley, ‘but what resides in the mind of another is not really any business of mine’; this retort to ‘praising-me-is-a-source-of-delight-for-others’ exposes the self-centeredness of this attitude, the megalomania, and strikes to the heart of the problem here: that any pre-occupation with praise/fame is just preoccupation with self, and that anger (or ill will or passive-aggressive sulkiness) about it simply strengthens that occupation with a ‘self’ that is put (by my anger) at the centre of a completely fluid and conditioned universe that has no centre – any anger, however expressed, simply strengthens the hold and belief in an illusory self which all-the-more distorts the perception of the universe in which we live; personal reflection: therefore my gathering together the tragedy of being ignored while at work over the decades was all just a self-indulgent vanity, and, it turns out, must have looked like a slow-burn tantrum during all that time – not really all that useful; it put my recognition and my self-worth as if at the center of what was going on in an institution in which what I thought and did were not central at all; OK the rhetoric and ‘professional development’ were all about ‘nurture’ and ‘opportunity’ and ‘joined up thinking’, but I didn’t have to swallow it all, and certainly didn’t have to think I could beat them at their own game and deliver their own propaganda back to them realised on a silver platter – that was my own vanity and, of course, there was no satisfaction to be won there; it is the self-preoccupation which is faulty here: it deprives you of a clear perspective, it limits the scope and effectiveness of your own activity like a tied limb, you become addicted to the scraps of feedback you get and obsess in interpreting them to build up your success and your worth (… look at your obsession with blog statistics, Mark, what are you hoping to find evidence of there?)

Reflection: [96] if I am rejoicing in the joy of those who praise me, I should rejoice, also when they praise others too … if I am not just being self-centred and egoistic about the praise

Reflection: [97] and, of course, I am being just self-centred and egoistic, like that same child whose sand-castle at other times crumbled

Review: there is the pleasure of praise/recognition – [94] that pleasure comes from the words, but it doesn’t come from words, but I’m happy because they’re happy (praising me) [95] it’s only in the mind of the rejoicer, [96] that pleasure comes from the mind of the rejoicer, if I’m really interested in it I should rejoice in it all round, [97] being only interested in it for myself is childish

Summary: verse 97 is the conclusion from the previous three, that any satisfaction or feeling of pleasure that comes from being complimented or praised is just a form of self-concern/self-grasping, it’s holding me (and my feelings and my needs) above that of others, a basis on which no good act will flourish; again this is talking about a type of anger which is ill-will, it is begrudging, mealy-mouthed, unjoyful/glum, a dampener, it is un-rejoicing, it is the exercise of self-concern over and above others’, especially exposed in verse 96 where, if we were concerned for others as we might like to think ourselves to be, we would be celebratory whenever others are praised/recognised; implicitly, here, also is that the celebrating of others does not come with a judgement, they are not celebrated because we are agreeing with the praise – that they have met our criteria for what we think of as good, their qualities are not dependent upon our judgement – we are simply joining in the celebration because it is bringing a certain amount of joy for the rejoicers and the rejoicees, we’re not thinking about it, we are just rejoicing; and, from the point of view of practising patience, here, we are non-thinking-about-it rejoicing because we are stopping being peevish and wishing for the praise/recognition ourselves, it is the stopping of that particular type of anger which is un-celebratory and self-referenced, it is not just a license for glib, unthinking being-nice-about-others, it’s being genuinely open about others’ successes

Practice: practising patience, here, is an exercise of rejoicing, of being happy for others, of actively giving that recognition to others, opening, celebrating; in these ways I am lessening concern for myself – there is a direct inverse ratio to be achieved, here: other-concern <…> self-concern (rather than: self-concern <…> other-concern); it’s no good just thinking ‘I must not be selfish’, because trying to make yourself stop is probably done with a self-centered motivation, rather it is to genuinely rejoice in the happiness and benefit of others, however that presents itself within one’s own life, which allows (which is) the falling-away of self-concern – two for one, buy one get one free

so, how long is, a piece of string?

Tags

2018, 8*, anger, being, Bodhisattvacharyavatara, cause and effect, change, conditioned existence, doing, echo, enemy, event, existence, ghosts, identity, interaction, karma, knot, mind, others, practice, pre-existence, samsara, self-grasping, speech, talking to myself, tangle, thought, uncaused, untangling, web

                so, how long is a piece of string?

                always somehow, and ever somewhere,
                in a thousand different ways and
                a thousand different times, I set myself up,

                I set my self up
                to be the clever one, to be right in the end, and inevitably,
                like a thousand different echoes,

                someone comes and stands
                right in my way, or kneels in a ball behind me while someone else
                shoves me backwards

                so that I fall like a prat, and then someone else points
                and says ‘ha; ha’ in a thousand different ways; where
                do they all come from,

                do they just shimmer out of nowhere
                like ghosts just to frustrate me –whooo!–
                do they come out of nature,

                naturally unjust, naturally evil; are they just there
                existing from their own side, like a sharp bend in a long stretch of road
                {oh, come on,

                 no, they’d have to pre-exist in order to
                 come into existence, which would involve
                 a change in something which cannot change

                 because it is pre-existent, and therefore
                 causeless, so that it would have to stop being what it is
                 in order to be what it isn’t,

                 you know that, don’t you}; no, everything
                is conditioned, yes, and nothing stands
                independent by itself, so everything

                I have ever done or said or thought
                has been conditioned already, ok, but also,
                everything I have ever done or said

                or thought has also set up a
                whole web of further conditions
                which have had, or are nail-tapping waiting to have,

                an impact on other events
                and people; and yes, that’s ‘me’ in the corner …:
                the endless twists and turns I have made,

                and still making with every move and word and thought,
                which bind me in, tightly or loosely,
                to everything with which I interact –

                completely and utterly tangled:
                I hope I acted cleanly and carefully,
                but I’m afraid I didn’t – I’m … going to have to face my

                whole knot – a universally big ball,
                so much bigger than l’il ole me
                that it doesn’t seem to have much to do with me, but it does,
                it, all, does;

                and I’d better stop pulling and tugging away at it
                to get my own way and
                start untangling, and start untangling …

…I had a tangle of garden-wire to sort today; it had been wound round a dispenser but some of it had crossed over, become entangled, yanked, and a whole middle section had come away; then it had been worked on, to untangle it, but impatiently, and without thought, and so whole rolls of it had become furled over and through themselves, some bits were knotted, some bits were hanging out in great loops; being garden-wire, it kinked where it had been bent which also caught other strands as they came close to them in their tangle; and it had been cut for a quick solution, and so I had more than two ends that I could make any sense of; it took time untangling it, it took willing to give up on some progress I had already made on seeing that I’d started too far in, or too peripherally; it meant keeping hold of the thread I was starting with and turning the whole tangle around it, rather than working through the tangle, knowing that I was making problems for myself further down the line but I couldn’t worry about that yet; it meant having to abandon my initial thread sometimes to concentrate on further-on loops before I could return to it released; it meant I had to think ahead a bit to loosen the tangle in all the ways that it would, even if it meant unravelling the newly-wound initial thread I’d already sorted, a little; I had to take a rest every once in a while because I was concentrating too tightly …

                no, these enemies they’ve
                been ‘here’ all along, right in the
                back of my head, long forgotten,

                but from the time I crossed them
                in a thousand different ways
                and a thousand different times,

                they’ve been waiting, relentlessly,
                for a body and a circumstance to come together
                to respond:

                “there you go, mate, I owed you that”
                and inexorably I’d been setting myself up with just the right conditions
                to receive it

 

Bodhisattvacharyavatara chapter VI, verse 47: Impelled by my actions – [drawn out by circumstance, incited by the heat of the moment, prompted by hearsay, provoked by trigger, instigated by design, mobilised by obligation, shoved by control, summoned by role] – those who cross or hurt me, those who do me wrong just appear, right in my way and do what they have to do. And because of their actions, they will end up fallen and consigned to the infernal realms … surely, isn’t it actually me who have destroyed and damned them, haven’t I just been the mirror to magnify back to them their harm?

and, yes, that is a reference to the REM song, losing … something

 

 

^{————w}(O)rmholes_________________________________|—–

being & mind wormhole: …zzh-vvttP*–… … …
change wormhole: on facing the Have
doing & speech wormhole: ‘ouch’
echo wormhole: St. Erasmus in Bishop Islip’s Chapels, 1796
ghosts wormhole: what wounds have you got?
identity & others wormhole: there will be ovations
practice wormhole: ‘there, …’
samsara wormhole: glamour of saṃsāra
talking to myself wormhole: SPRING AND ALL VI by William Carlos Williams
thought wormhole: horizon

 

Bodhisattvacharayvatara: Chapter VI, Patience – verses 90-93; reflectionary

Bodhisattvacharayvatara by Acharya Śāntideva

Chapter VI– verses 90-93

Transglomeration: [90] And as for praise and fame and status, these will not necessarily affect my life at all; they will not bring me virtue or recognition, they will not extend my life-span or give me strength or free me from sickness or even make me feel good. [91] If I truly knew what was of benefit and import to my life, what value would I hold in pursuing such things? If all I want is some nominal, transient mental entertainment, perhaps I should just indulgently devote myself to gaming and getting high and such. [92] And yet if, in pursuit of fame, I squander everything I have or even get myself killed for some point of honour, of what use would be the mere sound of words to anyone? Once I am dead, to whom, of all people the people I knew, would they bring satisfaction? Can you eat words as if they were flesh? When I am dead, what comes of my honour? [93] When their mud-houses (and sand-castles) collapse, children spontaneously burst out crying in despair and anguish; and, likewise, when my approbation and renown dry up, my own mind reacts just like a silly child.

~~~ “BCA” ~~~

V. 88-89 just wishing ill on others is self-detrimental
↑ Stitch ↓
V. 90-93 yearning for respect, honour and fame is self-defeating

Reflection: [90] (the rigmarole of) praise and fame (Padmakara) do not bring virtue, strength, pleasure or (lengthen) life; the iterations of what praise/fame/honour do not bring are, firstly, merit, but then the rest of the list is physical-based/related to the body and bodily feelings; which is tempting to read the verse, overall, as their not benefitting oneself physically (the ‘merit’ reference being to the merit that causes our physical states and circumstance – not all merit in general) … this then complements verse [91] which explores how ‘mental’ happiness is not met by praise/fame/honour either and the punchline which rather ironically observes that if all we are after is a little worldly happiness we might just as well indulge in drinking and gambling to get it rather than dedicate our lives to aiming for something higher: and I wonder if ‘drinking’ refers to physical pleasure and ‘gambling’ refers to mental … not sure about this discernment; it leaves unchallenged that praise/fame/honour don’t bring one physical or mental satisfaction

Reflection: [91] the inference being that getting some happiness and relief from drinking and gambling etc. is of a particular sort of happiness which is superficial, ephemeral and short-lived because (referring back to verse 90 which was the launch of this point) praise, fame, honour etc. are (again inferentially) superficial, ephemeral and short-lived; there is a flicker of satisfaction and pleasure comes from these things, but they are so dependent upon causes and conditions that they are evanescent and cannot be relied on; we should know what is of true benefit to ourselves (spiritually); the reference to ‘wanting only a little mental happiness’ infers that this type of pleasure is just ‘little’ – not much, and not important … on the plus side, as this type of happiness is just ‘surface’ happiness, there must be the correspondent of there being a deeper, more significant, less-subject-to-changing-causes-and-conditions happiness, if only we knew how to tap into it, distracted as we are with chasing quick-gain happiness and satisfaction … I wasn’t able to get any more closer to the words ‘madyadyūtādi’ (Sanskrit) and ‘rgyan’ (Tibetan) than ‘intoxication’ and ‘ornament’ – my deficiency in the languages – but this nonetheless detracts from the lean of the verse, and so I rendered them as ‘getting high and gaming’, not, of course, as literal translations, or even as transglomerations, but as words which indicate ephemeral and transient means of getting pleasure in the 21^st century

Reflection: [92] praise and fame become a matter of life and death, but benefit neither life nor (after) death; Matics, ‘how are words to be eaten’; my uncle died in 2007, he wrote three books that were never published, David Bowie died in 2016 and left behind a whole body of work for which he was renowned and lauded – they’re both still just dead

Reflection: [93] this reference to ‘sandcastles’ I have always found anachronistic – I had thought that children building sandcastles was a fairly recent phenomena in the latter part of industrial societies when people started getting enough disposable income to be able to afford a trip to the seaside … which I find hard to fit into my image of what life in 8^th century India was like; it makes no difference to the point being made, but I shall have to see what the source of translating ‘sandcastle’ is when I look at the Sanskrit and Tibetan: update: both the Sanskrit and Tibetan refer to houses made of ‘dust’ or ‘dirt’, I guess mixed with water to make mud-houses that only hold together when mixed with water, and when it dries the houses just ‘crumble’; I would guess that European translators from the outset had a ready-made, and easily referable and recognisable, translation in the concept of ‘sandcastle’, and this has stuck although it is not a literal translation, but nevertheless still works with the meaning intended – that ‘reputation’, ‘what others think of me’, is as ephemeral as a mud-house/sandcastle which is only temporarily held together with water and is never fit to live in no matter how well-crafted it may be, it starts to crumble and fall apart almost as soon as it is made // reputation, honour, fame are never fit to ‘inhabit’, no matter how glorious they may sound, and that even before the applause has died down, they have shifted and are no longer what they seemed even when the lauding began to be made (Berzin, ‘my mind shows the face of a child’); I wanted to include ‘the illusory edifice of’, the ‘changing waves of’ my ‘approbation and renown’, but this was stepping too far into addition, so I left it to the evanesce in my mind

Personal Reflection: if the school had recognised my work, I’d have been able to work longer before I retired, but then I would have become embroiled in the politics of trying to float something institution-wide and I would have ended up with similar reactions as those of not being recognised in the first place; however, being roundly ignored for a good decade or more beforehand, I came out of teaching earlier and managed to soak into this study which is achieving so much more meaning and benefit than if I had been able to noticeably influence the way things are taught in schools, and I will have done so for a good five years before I would have eventually retired, probably broken, and with accumulated bitterness …; my vulnerability to ‘being ignored’, to not being seen, not being valued, was the root of the problem all along, not especially the fact that the school should have taken notice and given nurture in line with all their propaganda: my yearning for ‘respect, honour and fame’ took this form, in the ‘field’ of working at school in the education system, and the pursuit of it involved me in frustration, anger, bitterness, arrogance, depression, cutting off my own empathy and inhibiting my own compassion, because I didn’t get it; it didn’t enhance my own virtue, it closed down my mental health, it stopped me sleeping (and plagued my dreams); I should have cut my losses and devoted myself to my practice all along, but I kept succumbing to ‘if I can do this, then they’ll notice’ and I made fantastic mark-books and structured together the psychology of learning and communication into lesson plans, and they still didn’t notice, and all the while my practice was put into crawling gear while I deludedly (and arrogantly) thought that achieving success at school would be a vindication of my practice … and it wasn’t, and it didn’t; and the occasional pats on the head and bits of recognition I did get should have alerted me to the fact that these were just words out of nowhere, forgotten almost immediately after they were uttered and as significant as winning a round in a card game – I’ve been ‘playing cards’, when I should have been growing, I was chasing institutional words from people within those institutions who occupied the corridors like drafts; I have been retired for three years now and don’t recognise most of the pupils I see in town, they don’t know who I am, and yet I worked in that school for 28 years … all just drafts; it’s not bad it’s just the way it is and always was; when I got a bit of recognition, I imagined I’d become a turreted castle built on the side of a rocky outcrop, eternal to behold … just drafts

there will be ovations

Tags

2018, 7*, acting, audience, betrayal, blood, Bodhisattvacharyavatara, breathing, brother, children, circumstance, concentration, doors, emptiness, enemy, expectation, identity, life, light, machinations, music, naked, others, realisation, role, self-grasping, self-image, silence, sky, society, sound, stage, theatre, thinking, traffic

                ah, there’s the theatre and
                inside, the stage is set,
                the audience settled, the
                lights down, thank the fates,

                I almost didn’t make it –
                the traffic at this time of day! –
                the other is here, good,
                warming up, waving that

                stick all about, making whoosh
                noises, being all athletic and
                disciplined, I’d better get ready,
                torn robe on, oh, the blood

                smear it on, quick, and
                the hanging limb, OK,
                concentrate, breathe – be
                the character – I need

                to give the performance
                they are expecting – the
                circumstance, the machinations,
                the betrayal … no, not enough,

                what if it happened to my
                children, what if it were my
                brother with the stick, oh yes,
                it’s come to this, use the silence

                of the realisation, use the
                music – slamming doors
                in the sky! – no, this is more
                than my story, this is the

                history of my nation, quick,
                I’m ready now, I’m naked,
                I’m gutted and impaled, now
                for the finishing blow – how

                glorious this will be, I have
                so much invested in this,
                there will be ovations and
                encores, so worthwhile,

                I hope he has practised
                well – knows where the
                padding is; wait, is that
                a blade, tied to, the end

 

from Bodhisattvacharyavatara, Chapter VI – verse 43-44: [43] Here is a brandished weapon, and here is my body ready and presented, both of them the causes of my eventual suffering. My attacker has laid hold of his stick (tena śastraṃ), and I both wear and brandish my body. With what should I get angry? [44] It is I who have obtained and hold on to this boil, this pressured blister of a human body – sack of suffering – which cannot even bear to be touched and, moreover, it is I who am blind-sided through my own attachment to it, so that when the pain comes and the ‘boil’ bursts, with whom should I get angry?

 

 

^{————w}(O)rmholes_________________________________|—–

20th century wormhole: tram
breathing & society wormhole: the reach turned to love
doors wormhole: pursued
emptiness & life & others wormhole: the mantra of Maitreya
identity wormhole: I
light wormhole: travelling / back
music wormhole: and … // … sound
realisation wormhole: passing
silence wormhole: birth in the world
sky wormhole: horizon
sound wormhole: …zzh-vvttP*–… … …
thinking wormhole: ‘ouch’

 

I

Tags

2018, 6*, anatta, Bodhisattvacharyavatara, identity, karma, left, lifetimes, looking, reflection, right, self-cherishing, time

                                    I get what I deserve,
                                    I can see it there in the mirror
                                    looking back at me,

                        it seems its left is my right but it is
                        all just the same
                        reflection

            it would be better
            if I hadn’t brandished this ‘I’ about in the past
            making it all right and powerful over others whenever I could,

            simply ending up
            with this pain in my
            own neck …

            it would be better if I
            didn’t have this
I

 

from Bodhisattvacharyavatara chapter VI, verse 42: In previous lives and former times, I myself have subjected just such pain, suffering and torment on other sentient beings, therefore, it is only just and fitting that I, the former perpetrator, who distressed, wronged and harmed all these beings, deserve the return, that I become the attacked, that this becomes my lot.

 

 

^{————w}(O)rmholes_________________________________|—–

identity wormhole: the reach turned to love
lifetimes wormhole: oh, alright then
looking wormhole: somehow
reflection wormhole: travelling / back
time wormhole: alabaster balustrade

 

‘ouch’

Tags

2018, 6*, anger, Bodhisattvacharyavatara, cause and effect, circular poem, doing, speech, thinking

                                         what I say and do from now on because …             … ‘ouch’,
                                                           and take a little care over                                    I am hit by a stick –
                                                                       I shall wise up                                                  I shall be angry with the stick,
                                                          ‘damn my stupidity’,                                                      ‘damn stick’ …;
                                       with cause and conditionality,                                                          but the stick by itself
                                                         my blind messing                                                                cannot hurt me,
                                                I shall become angry at                                                                it is the wielder of the stick
                                              now, for it to be enacted –                                                             that made it happen –
and it was conditioned by the right circumstances,                                                                I shall be angry with the wielder,                                
                                                              to say or do so,                                                                ‘damn wielder’ …;
                                    it was caused by my tendency                                                                but, beforehand,
                                               wasn’t just spontaneous,                                                               the wielder of the stick was
                                                    but what I said or did                                                              not my attacker,
                                               ‘damn what I said or did’ …;                                                        he was prompted by his anger,
                             I shall be angry at what I said or did,                                                        the anger made him wield the stick –
                                                                         I said or did –                                                 I shall be angry at the anger,
                                               it was prompted by something                                      ‘damn his anger’ …;
                                                                         erupt from nowhere,                      but his anger didn’t

 

 

from Bodhisattvacharyavatara Chapter VI – verse 41: Although the immediate cause of the blows and injury I receive is delivered by the stick yet I do not take this into account but, rather, become angry at the wielder of the stick, my aggressor, my attacker. But then, as the attacker, likewise, is wielded under the influence of anger, if I really must get angry, it would be more fitting for me to rise and become angry at the anger instead.

 

^{————w}(O)rmholes_________________________________|—–

circular poem wormhole: ‘… plane is upright …’
doing & speech wormhole: the reach turned to love
thinking wormhole: ‘there, …’