my uncomfortable life

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2019, 6*, abandonment, activity, anger, Bodhisattvacharyavatara, breakdown, broken, career, closed, compromise, contentment, context, Dad, disappointment, expectation, experience, eyes, feeling sorry for myself, frustration, greed, hope, injustice, laziness, life, management, no voice, people, politicians, powerlessness, Principal, requirement, resentment, self-cherishing, self-confidence, self-doubt, self-esteem, slogans, society, spin, teaching, thought, Tony Blair, turmoil, waiting, words, work

                I did not know contentment
                at work, what was required,
                what I thought, I never wholly
                got my teaching … sorted

                turmoil, and even when not
                outwardly angry, I was
                closed off and unapproachable,
                carrying anger and resentment

                like a thorny bush tied
                to my back since Dad left
                and people were ‘phony’ and
                society was stupid and words

                were insincere and all activity
                was a compromise and my equals cheated
                and laziness was always greedy
                and hope was rude and the politicians

                were tricksters and Tony Bliar
                and managers slogan-shifted like there was no tomorrow
                and the Principals
                wouldn’t know what to do with good practice if it writhed around suggestively on their desk in front of them and made them delicious promises of future dangerous liaison                      

                and by default I am
                at least disappointed, usually frustrated
                and often impotent-angry with them
                when they invariably reference me

                (and they always reference me)
                or when I am actually wronged,
                and then I’ll blow, beyond all immediate context
                because I have already been smouldering,

                waiting for the wrong to happen,
                expecting the wrong to happen,
                experiencing the wrong happening
                even before it has manifested;

                and I am right, it is wrong
                and compromised and greedy and unprincipled
                what they have done, even
                when they haven’t

                given expression to it, in fact
                especially when they haven’t
                given full expression to it
                and are sloganising and spinning

                that what is happening
                is entirely something else;
                and the powerlessness of
                not being able to have a voice

                no appeal to a universal
                right and wrong … built me up
                with no recourse and, I get broken;
                look at my tired eyes – my uncomfortable life

 

Bodhisattvacharyavatara VI, 3: A mind which walks with, which harbours, which is in the grip of, which is poisoned with anger and hate can neither establish nor enjoy any state of calm or peace, any sense of well-being or equipoise, any contentment, any resolution, neither can it feel any joy or delight, any sense of kindliness or love, nor can it sleep or rest, when the shard of aversion and hate is stuck and buried deep in one’s heart; but … I have retired now, I, am coming through

 

 

^{————w}(O)rmholes_________________________________|—–

abandonment wormhole: south horizon
breakdown wormhole: green and / luminant / to behold
career wormhole: it’s / not what you do or what you say / if it ain’t got that swing
compromise wormhole: raised brow
Dad wormhole: the reach turned to love
eyes wormhole: The Atlantic City Convention: 1. THE WAITRESS by William Carlos Williams
life & society wormhole: the old man;
management wormhole: how to teach
people wormhole: Puerto del Carmen
teaching wormhole: and … // … sound
thought wormhole: so, how long is, a piece of string?
waiting wormhole: all // are // none
words wormhole: SPRING AND ALL VI by William Carlos Williams
work wormhole: Vue de Pontoise, 1873

 

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out!

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2014, being, Buddha, conception, context, desire, discernment, habit, identity, looking, Majjhima Nikaya, meditation, microscope, Pali, passive, point, reductionism, seeing, talking to myself, telescope, the Poison Arrow Analogy, thinking, transitive, will, world, writing

                                is seeing transitive
                                              or passive
                do you look to see as the will will direct
                                or do you select what you see as
                                              desire will allow
                                is it a microscope that focusses down
                                              to constituents
                                or a telescope that conceives
                                              what there is from what isn’t
                                do I see the point
                                              or contextualise it
                                              does it come to me
                                                              or do I dwell in the world defined by my looks and habit
                                                              is it both or neither

                                or should I just get this damn arrow out!
                                              of my eye

                                                              –O~~~

 

                                                                                    ~~~O–

                                                              so, is
                                              writing or meditating
                                                              transitive or passive …

                                                              – SLAP! –

 

“It’s just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison.   His friends & companions, kinsmen & relatives would provide him with a surgeon, and the man would say, ‘I won’t have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker.’   He would say, ‘I won’t have this arrow removed until I know the given name & clan name of the man who wounded me… until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short… until I know whether he was dark, ruddy-brown, or golden-colored… until I know his home village, town, or city… until I know whether the bow with which I was wounded was a long bow or a crossbow… until I know whether the bowstring with which I was wounded was fiber, bamboo threads, sinew, hemp, or bark… until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was wild or cultivated… until I know whether the feathers of the shaft with which I was wounded were those of a vulture, a stork, a hawk, a peacock, or another bird… until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was bound with the sinew of an ox, a water buffalo, a langur, or a monkey.’   He would say, ‘I won’t have this arrow removed until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was that of a common arrow, a curved arrow, a barbed, a calf-toothed, or an oleander arrow.’   The man would die and those things would still remain unknown to him.”

from the “Cula-Malunkyovada Sutta: The Shorter Instructions to Malunkya” (Majjhima Nikaya 63), translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.   Access to Insight (Legacy Edition), 30 November 2013, http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.063.than.html .

 

 

^{————w}(O)rmholes_________________________________|—–

being & Buddha wormhole: de Boeddha // of light
identity wormhole: zok! and pow!
looking wormhole: dream 260815
meditation wormhole: between
seeing wormhole: now, the verticals go down as well as they go up
talking to myself wormhole: exactly equal
thinking wormhole: just saying, is all V: // … systematic and consistent disempowerment
world wormhole: Detective Comics #345
writing wormhole: enough

 

fantasia

Tags

2011, childhood, context, growth, life, music, self-love, writing

 

 

 

                fantasia

                                what I missed
                                in all the experiences
                                of all my youth

                                while yet plain and
                                growing inert, I now write
                                infused by my own love

                                embellished by my own
                                context so that they
                                release quietly from the

                                feint flat page and move
                                to a shifting orchestral score
                                searching for resolve

                                                              all the while remaining unchanged

 

 

 

^{————w}(O)rmholes_________________________________|—–

childhood wormhole: gazing at the night / as my eyes passed the jagged hole / my head disappeared
life wormhole: escape from Flat Planet
music wormhole: Exceat to Cuckmere Haven
writing wormhole: the tangles fall apart

 

not yet quite sure / what

Tags

2013, being, context, doing, identity, life, others, realisation, talking to myself

 

 

 

                                              I can’t seem to arrive
                                              in this life I can’t gather
                                              a context to build-up
                                              so that others would know
                                              when I arrive I just arrive
                                              by myself sure of where
                                              I am but no one around
                                              to corroborate: I think
                                I’m facing something obvious here but not yet quite sure
                what

 

 

 

^{————w}(O)rmholes_________________________________|—–

being & doing & identity & life wormhole: letters to Mum VI – Years / after you have gone. Still.
others wormhole: in desperation and worthless art
talking to myself wormhole: “out of step is useful because / that means you get to notice / what others have missed; out / of line is no use to anyone”