there was a call and far from no response

 

 

 

                                                   but make no mistake
                                   a wound was inflicted damage was done
                                   there was a call and far from no response

                                   the call was only slightly heard amid
                                   the wrenches drillings and spanner-clangs
                                   of a professionalism being stripped-down
                                   re-aligned re-placed re-tracked
                                   re-hung for some brand new
                                   Certificate of Worthiness
                                   and the radio still constantly playing D:reams
                                   washing down sweeping up what’s the time
                                   picking up waiting light off shutters down

                                   a few say, ‘what’s this dual logic auto-transmission
                                   left in the corner, should it have been used?’
                                   better keep quiet about it – (whistling) –

 

 

 

career & breakdown wormholes: I will
loneliness wormhole: anxiety

 

I will

 

 

 

                                     pick up the pen
                                     nothing to write
                                     almost the end of term
                                     arguing with people
                                     in my mind I come
                                     to the end of my
                                     full-time career

                                     I will create still
                                     in teaching but I will write
                                     and I will sit I will infuse
                                     my work through
                                     writing and in sitting

                                     I will dwell in
                                          creating
                                          teaching
                                     and only do that

                                           I will not extrapolate
                                           I will not extemporise
                                           I will not extreme
                                     but I will express
                                           I will exist so
                                           I will not expire

                                                       I will create the centre
                                                 I will open the centre
                                           I will centre the centre
                                     the very same centre of
                                     sitting and writing and teaching
                                     and I shall live there where
                                     I have not been living now
                                     for twenty four years

 

 

 

breakdown & career wormholes: pep talk
creation wormhole: wriving

 

pep talk

 

 

 

            pep talk

            use the markbook
            construct the lessons
                but not solely
                not all the time
                not relentlessly
                not as a speciality
            make lessons up as I walk into the room
                plan lessons and abandon them
                           change
                           your
                           mind
                                     be the teacher
                                              you want to be
                mercurial suggestive seed-planting messy unpredictable unreliable
            be the teacher
                that knows nothing about teaching
            and when anyone tells you you are good
                do not trust them
            create your art through teaching little occasional poems
                scattered here and there across lessons and minds
            be changeable variable multiple
                creatively suggestively peeringly wonderingly

            all that allow me to teach using my natural powers
            not confined in desperation to be recognised
            not confined within a Managed Performance

 

 

 

breakdown & play & dancing wormholes: a bit painful this
career wormhole: for the good of all
poetry wormhole: ‘I wanted to write a poem’
recognition wormhole: brilliance

 

for the good of all

 

 

 

                                at some points in time
                                I made a markbook
                                I conceived levelled-lessons and learning
                                but then I expected there to be an
                                inevitable way to their propagation
                                for the good of all (for the Good of All)
                                but all that actually happened
                                was I used my markbook
                                I taught my lessons
                                and in these ways I worked
                                the good of all
                                moment after moment
                                no glory no flag just
                                the noble tumbleweed

 

 

 

career wormhole: wriving
giving wormhole: brilliance

 

a bit painful this

 

 

 

                                                                      a bit painful this

                     I do hang on to this impasse with school
                     I have become this impasse with school
                     it pre-occupies me
                     and yes it is true that their angularity and down-heaval
                     have prolonged and un-necessaried me but – sighs –
                                   it didn’t happen
                                   and it won’t happen
                                   the way I think it should
                                   and could – shrugs – well then
                     let’s continue on let’s lighten up
                     let’s joke around with pupils
                                   enough to craft them to grow
                     let’s wing and pitch ideas to teachers
                                   without Responsibility

                     that is where my magic is
                                   not in leading
                     but in leaking
                     in infiltrating contaminating dyeing
                     in dancing and skipping (and sometimes even waltzing)

                     in playing at my work not head-aching it
                     in reading the road not Highway Coding it
                     in writing it not plotting it
                     in sitting with a reassuring Mona Lisa smile not grimming it
                     in playing at teaching not outstanding it

 

 

 

breakdown & school wormhole: nightmare
communication wormhole: two year / pre-cursor / flashing / on | off … // (… to 121212)
dancing wormhole: the sea plant
play wormhole: waltz

 

brilliance

 

 

 

                                          if I could offer
                                          brilliance

                                          without the weight
                                          of recognition

                                          what a bright
                                          light gift

                                          that would be
                                          to the world

 

 

 

giving wormhole: dedication / prayer
recognition wormhole: preee- / senting // en- / senting

 

the / pyrrhic / play

 

 

 

                      the
                      pyrrhic
                      play

            to be a Big Player is to play
                      a very complicated game
                                selflessly-
                                selfishly
            to know how the game works
                      know when to relinquish my view
                                to obtain the compromise
            to get what I want (as
                      pursuit of the Greater Good)        the Ends

                                                      … chorus?

                      however

            I want to pursue my own self-
                      lessness I want to sit and gain
                                nothing
            but then I become fatally exposed
                      when I try to put some relief
                                found inside myself
                                ‘out there’ persuasive in the world
            and then it becomes part of the Game
                      which I- do-not-want-to-but-have-obliged-myself
                                to Play

                                … chorus?

            my activity should come out of clear naïve response –
                      a totally un-beguiled emptiness –
                                not my success of finding the point
            not my vindication not my self
                      (because then when I am necessarily ignored
                                I become a living death)

            … chorus: don’t
                      don’t ever Play the Game just breathe
            breathe and step
                      one square at a time
                                while the rest of the Game
                                          plays itself

 

 

 

breathing wormhole: wriving
compromise wormhole: the path / no echo
game wormhole: we play a game
naïveté wormhole: inexorable       naïveté
obligation wormhole: p                        o                   i                             n                                                   t                            l                          e                                 s   s                                          n                                                         e                   s                                                                                                  s               all around
pointlessness wormhole: anxiety
society wormhole: holiday
thinking wormhole: anatta
vindication wormhole: poessay V: // writing / as practice while / writing

 

inexorable naïveté

 

 

 

            rather cultivate
                                                      – practise –
tracking the flows and eddies of outer events and inner thoughts
                                – the same things really –
                                          with wide and open naïveté
                                                              with discipline
                                                      strategy       deftness       design
            not succumbing to structure
                                          target       development       ends
                                                      nor to fame
                                                              recognition       acknowledgement
                                but rather with

                                          inexorable       naïveté

 

 

 

naïveté wormhole: guileless naïveté – / a biographical / manifest -oh!

 

is Koestler important // ?

Koestler: The Indispensable Intellectual by Michael Scammell (2010)

 

 

 

                                is Koestler important because
he models the build-up of whole passion and ideology and
                its congenital misalignment in the world
                                              its genealogy
                                              of adversarity
                                              which always
                                              condensed self
                                and other like water droplets
from the billowing steam centripetalled out
                                              from what was happening in the world
                and then found that they only shadowed a focus
                                they didn’t actually focus?

settled intellectuals stay with their ideologies and
                                              write thick books despite the loss of centre
                                Koestler at least showed the example of recasting himself with
                the billows

 

 

 

Koestler & philosophy wormholes: anxiety

 

London

both a belated – and posthumous – mothers’ day

 

 

 

                yesterday there were
                                grey layers of cloud
                and I thought of my
                                Nan and Mum

                today I travelled to London
                                it is sunny with a beige mist hung low over the river

 

 

 

beige wormhole: rear attic / bedroom
Thames wormhole: Eglinton Hill
mist wormhole: duck calls
Nan wormhole: dream / 140603
Mum wormhole: currency of generations